Back in 2014 I made a letter for Morrissey – not the real one, it's for the one who's living in my head. (If I seem a little strange, well, that's because I am ...)

The entire letter is made of quotes from his songs (except of one part of a cover, my artist's name and the “p.s.”).

I tried to keep the phrases complete (hope I didn't fail) but unfortunately I had to change the tense now and then.

 

For me who is used to be invisible (because I never wanted to be seen), it's been a really, really tough decision to show this to other human beings. But, well, what else can I do with it? For once in my life I won't hide – at least not completely.

 

So, if you're interested read the text below. Every single word belongs to Morrissey but the text is completely mine.

 

Feel free to share it but please, please, please, don't plagiarize it. Sadly this is the best thing I ever wrote and it's quite possible that this will stay the only good thing I'll ever make in my life.

 

Please, don't judge me; Actually this is a big thing for me because Morrissey means way more to me than he should – and that's just my way to show it.

 

I hope at least some of you will enjoy it.

 

Always scared

Ada


My dearest love,

 

So, the choice I have made may seem strange to you; whether you care or do not, don't make fun of me later. All men have secrets and here is mine, so let it be known (stop me if you think that you've heard this one before). So if I see you and I tell you how I've watched you ... words which have never been heard. I can't help the way I feel, spins round in my head for one hundred years, my patience is stretched, scared to death, something is squeezing my skull, something I can barely describe – these are the things that kill me (and I'm only trying to post a letter). Then I look at you and know that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me. And I've never felt so alive in the whole of my life. Oh, please fulfil me – otherwise kill me! Because only stone and steel accept my love ... (If I seem a little strange, well, that's because I am, but I know that you would like me if only you could see me.)

 

I wanna start from before the beginning, telling you all that you never wanted to know: I tried living in the real world, I have tried for so long, it's all gone wrong. How I feel in my mind and how I live in the world, there are oceans apart. Everybody's got somebody, oh no, not me ...

In the absence of your love I find my sentimental heart hardens. I can't reach you. I am sick and I am dull and I am plain; I entered nothing and nothing entered me – 'til you came with the key. And somehow that really impressed me. By the way: thank you, because you're giving, giving, giving – now, today, tomorrow and always. I would lose both of my legs, oh, if it meant you could be free. Me – with a preference for making things worse. Well, just look at me ... failure is all that you see. I've had my face dragged in fifteen miles of shit, truly disappointed, a disenchanted taste ... The passing of time leaves empty lives waiting to be filled. I still do feel so horribly lonely, but there's always a line you don't cross. I just want to be seen! You can kick me and you can punch me and you can break my face, but you won't change the way I feel ... You think you were my first love but you're wrong, you were the only one – oh, when will this tired heart stop beating? It's the same old S.O.S.

 

Your youth may be gone but you're still a young man and I'm turning to you to save me – do you think you can help me? Can you stop the pain? It weighs so heavy on my back ... so if you have five seconds to spare, I'll tell you the story of my life. I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone. I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I half die ... and love is just a miserable lie! I wonder to myself: Could life ever be sane? But I know my luck too well ... see, the life I've had can make a good man bad. I'm just lost, sick and depraved, a traveller to the grave ... I'm falling with no one to catch me. I'm tired of walking these streets, I'm tired and I want to go to bed – life is a pigsty! What's left for me?

But then you came along, and you held out your hand and I fell in love with you. In our different ways we are the same ... I cannot find a safety haven, I still don't belong to anyone. How dearly I'd love to get carried away.

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me, I dreamt about you, felt real arms around me – the dream has gone, but in my heart it was so real. And I'm not happy and I'm not sad. (If the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean – maladjusted, never to be trusted ...)

 

I have been thinking ... what with? My final brain cell. Life is simply taking and not giving. I can't believe this world is still turning. Earth is the loneliest planet of all. This unhappy planet with all the carnivores and the destructors on it. They take what they need and just leave! Humans are not really very humane. Is life sick and cruel? Will the world end in the night time? I really don't know and I really don't care. Come, Armageddon, come! Let the people burn! (I am not naturally evil, it's the Eskimo blood in my veins.)

 

I was shocked into shame to discover: I just don't belong to anywhere. My life is an endless succession of people saying goodbye. No meaning, no reason, the lonely season ... I never had no one ever, no one to warm me, no hand to touch me. There must be something horribly wrong with me – spending warm summer days indoors writing frightening verse (typical me!).

 

I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad!! Could only be idiocy ... that's the story of my life. I'd probably lie in the middle of the street and die, I'd lie down and die.

Can't help feeling used, and I'm scared and I'm scared, I am scared. Reality is not real to me. When will I be where I should be? "I was dancing when I was twelve", but that was all in some distant land ... Thirty years could be a thousand – life is very long when you're lonely. “Sleep on and dream of love because it's the closest you will get to love ...” (I wish I never even heard the song!)

The gulf between all the things I need and the things I receive is an ancient ocean wide, wild, lost, uncrossed ... Call me morbid, call me pale, I know I'm unlovable. I need to cling on something. I think about life and then I think about death, and neither one particularly appeals to me. “I'll tell you why: You just haven't earned it yet, baby, you must suffer and cry for a longer time.” These things take time ... Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body? Well, if I were you, I wouldn't bother.

 

But heaven knows, I'm miserable now. I'm standing in the dark, with my innocent hand on my heart. Someone must look at me and see their sunlit dream ... I am human and I need to be loved. I'll fight to the last breath! Please, stand up and defend me!

I could have been wild and I could have been free, but nature played this trick on me: I am the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to ... I don't get along with myself and I just can't find my place in this world. Everyday I play a sad game called: "I'm going to meet the one I love." I can't endure my situation. Looking for love ... for a love that never comes from someone who doesn't exist. Heaven doesn't seem to be my home. Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go ... Life is nothing much to lose. No one knows a thing about my life, nobody knows me. So how can anybody possibly think they know how I feel?

 

Since I took up with you, things have been bad. Well, what do you think I am? Still ill. When you look at me, you actually see me. I've always been true to you in my own strange way ... well, I wonder: Do you hear me when you sleep? I whispered to you at night time: “I'm never alone, trouble loves me.” She deserves all she gets ... If such things weren't meant to be, then they would never come to me.

And what a terrible mess I've made of my life! I've spent my whole life in ruins – so far from where I intended to go. Drinking tea with the taste of the Thames I can feel the soil falling over my head ... On secret streets in disbelief, wondering then, well, what could peace of mind be like? I don't believe in magic anymore.

 

There is something that you should know: All the things you said, so meaningful ... still I maintain there's nothing wrong with you. Oh! I can't help quoting you! You said more in one day than most people say in their lifetime. Words which could only be your own. They mean more to me than any, than any living thing on earth! The strange logic in you clumsiest line ... I'm spellbound! You're not right in the head and nor am I, and this is why, this is why I like you. People see no worth in you, oh, but I do – to me you are a work of art, time will never wipe you out!! You have corrupted my innocent mind ... Oh, please fulfil me! Otherwise kill me – I won't tell anyone, cause in my sorry way I love you; I love you for you, my love, more than you'll ever know.

 

My only mistake is I'm hoping. Things can only improve. I don't know where else I can go. My throat was dry, with the sun in my eyes and I realized, I realized I could never, I could never, never, never go back home again, because I haven't got one anymore. So I must find somewhere else to go. I travelled to a mystical time zone, watched the stars turn blue ... it sounds like a wonderful thing, but I'm so very sickened. I am a poor, freezingly cold soul, born old, sadly wise, resigned, bruises bigger than dinner plates, everyday is like Sunday, further into the fog I fall, waiting for the next great wound. I wonder: Does anybody feel the same way I do? Is it really so strange?

I've been dreaming of a time when there's nobody around to say no. I'm trying to explain to the voice inside ... but the heart has a will of its own. Oh, I'll never learn. You made me feel less alone. And yet you can put your arms around me. Ask me, I won't say no (how could I?). I'm lying here wide to receive almost anything you'd care to give. Let you juvenile impulses sway! Here I am, every last inch of me is yours – yours for evermore!

 

I think you know the truth: I'm the most inept that ever stepped. It's all written all over my face. I'm just lost ... no one ever turned to me to say “Take me in your arms and love me!” All of my life no one gave me anything, I never left an impression on anyone, no one can even see me ... We gravely read the stones: “She was ... nobody's nothing.” I've got no right to take my place with the human race. Something went wrong. Live with a lowness that no one else knows. Haves cannot stand have-nots. It's a miracle I've even made it this far. It only hurts because it's true. But then you came along, to charlatanize me with that “no-one's gonna stop me when I feel this way” look – you have killed me. This night has opened my eyes and I will never sleep again. But to you ... I am faceless. You're just too busy to see me.

 

Because of those things you said ... Why do you think I let you get away with the things you say to me? When there's nothing I can do with this desire, a murderous desire for love ... When there is no one I can turn to to unlock all this love? Why did you give me so much love in a loveless world? Do you hate me?

 

There was only one thing I ever dreamed about ... so close your eyes and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you. After all these years kiss me all over, and then when you've kissed me, kiss me all over again. Would you put your arms around me? Would you do what you should do? Give a little something, it's easy! Be mine, and then let's stay out for the night. Oh, take me anywhere, because I want to see people and I want to see life! Take me to the place I've been dreaming of: where the grotesquely lonely meet the grotesquely lonely. Please, please, please, let me get what I want this time – for once in my life let me live before I die!

But there is nothing I can do to make you mine. And I've never felt quite so alone as I do right now. Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love, but you see, I've got no charm and so I walk home alone. But my faith in love is still devout. Seems so unfair! I just want my chance – but only with you. I'm not looking for just anyone. But I'm in pain and I'm ashamed of myself as usual. Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love ... there is no way. How could I ever win?

But I've never been surer, oh, I secretly know: There is a light that never goes out – somebody who wants to be, who wants to be with me ... all the time. Someone who's worth it. Oh, one fine day, let it be soon, I will see you in far off places, I don't care when or where, I only care that the two of us are there. You and I just smile because we're thinking the same line ... reach for my hand, let the heart rest, lay back your head, let yourself lose yourself, take me to the haven of your bed, oh, hug me, oh, hug me, hold me too tightly – happy we will be! It's not like any other love, this one is different because it's us.

 

Life tends to come and go, that's okay as long as you know: All I am and was will go, oh, heaven knows we'll soon be dust – so grab me while you still can! It's just so lonely here without you ... If you cannot stand this fake world, take my hand. There are brighter sides to life, and I should know because I've seen them (but not very often).

I have got nothing to offer you, cannot bring you joy (yes, you made yourself plain, message received, loud and clear – and I do not like it). I just wanna say: I haven't been away, I'm still right here where I always was; I'm still living, still running 'round and I still don't know why. All I ask of you is one thing that you never do: Get off the stage, take me in your arms and love me! Is that too much to ask? I wouldn't do you no harm, will not trouble you, and I will never stand naked in front of you (or if I do it won't be for a long time). You must be such a fool to pass me by ... such a silly boy! You're wasting your time! (I'm so sorry, I did not mean to be so rude.) Make no mistake, my friend, all of this will end. Then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass, no one around to calm you down – that's just the way it goes. Waste in the wrong arms ... It only makes you feel more lonely, and you go home and you cry and you want to die – oh, save your life! There is another world, there is a better world, well, there must be ... Can you see it in your heart?

 

If you don't want me, you don't have to have me, I just thought you might feel the same, that's all. And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living, hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly (but just be careful when you walk on those old broken stones, because they are my feelings). I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die: alone. But maybe in the next world we can go wherever we please. In the future when all is well ...

 

 

Let me whisper my last goodbyes ... look once to me, just once to me, then look away. I carried my heart in my hand, so take it please – it's free. I just might die with a smile on my face after all, with a memory so fuzzy, but the heart feels free.

 

 

When all is said and done it's you I love, and as always I'm here right behind you, and I will stay.

(no, not literally, but metaphorically)

 

 

Love, peace and harmony,

 

 

Ada Rabenstern

 

 

P.s.: Send me the pillow, the one that you dream on and I'll send you mine.

 

P.p.s.: If you ever need self-validation, just meet me at the cemetry gates, behind the home for the blind.




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